Global Stupidity Institute

New Lawsuit For Cinematic Atrocities

2006-07-10T14:22:00.000-07:00

The Global Stupidity Institute is currently embroiled in a nasty lawsuit with Disney over their latest movie release, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. The GSI has brought about the lawsuit after one of our founders and esteemed board members was subjected to this cinematic atrocity of epic proportion.

The GSI will drop the lawsuit if Disney can meet the following demands:

Return the $7.50 paid for the ticket
Return the $3.00 I spent on a Coke to keep me awake during the movie
Write me a check for $5,000 as payment for the two and a half hours I spent watching your abortion of a movie
For psychological damages, mental anguish, and crimes against humanity, I demand you turn over to the GSI the $132 million in box office earnings you pilfered from the pockets of unsuspecting moviegoers
$1 million dollars for pain and suffering after being subjected to watching Johnny Depp swashbuckle around like a Fire Island fairy

If these five demands are not met, our legal team has no other recourse than to take the lawsuit to the Supreme Court. And if you, dear reader, want to know what it’s like to endure a long, slow death, go see the movie.

South Texas Town Distraught For 6 1/2 Years

2006-06-30T07:48:00.000-07:00

The tiny south Texas community of Crawford, home to George W. Bush, has been without their village idiot for over six years, and reportedly, the townsfolk are growing restless.

"Every town needs a village idiot, and we want ours back," demanded 68 year-old Mattie Hudspeth, a local quilter and square-dance organizer."Our village idiot has been up in that Whitehouse for over six years trying to buy a clue, while we here in Crawford are suffering," says 88 year-old Cleotus Muggles. "And they better not build 'em a presidential library in Crawford. Four Republicans in this town is four too many, and we don't need anymore of 'em coming to Crawford," squawked Muggles.

Standing in for Bush is Crawford's interim village idiot Rooter Woonsickle. Rooter comments, "I've had a good run as village idiot. I get one free cup of coffee a week at the Burp 'n Grind Coffee shop. That almost makes my job tolerable." "When I got called in to service, you know, to be the interim village idiot, I had some mighty big shoes to fill. Almost as big as the shoes Ronald McDonald wears. I was really nervous. But when I got sworn in and took the oath of office, it really hit me,” says Rooter, with a look sentiment in his eyes.

Merle Crumb, Crawford’s local historian and septic tank inspector had a different perspective. “If Mr. Bush is going to conduct himself in the office of village idiot the way he has in the office of the presidency, it’s just best he doesn’t come back to Crawford. Otherwise, he’ll probably bankrupt Crawford like he did the U.S. Treasury, start a war with Mexico over some dang quesadillas, and then fly the Bin Laden family in for a Sunday picnic in the park. Crawford don’t need that kind of drama. We already got Rusty Buckets, Crawford’s peeping tom keeping the gossip mill churning.”

Rush Limbaugh – The 21st Century’s Next “Helen Keller”

2006-06-29T15:04:00.000-07:00

Over the years Rush Limbaugh, the Republican “kool-aid” drinking radio talk show has been called a lot of things -- everything from genius to xenophobe. Granted, the man’s a pretty big target, and not just because of his excessive girth, but because he is really good at what he does and he’s got a large sheep herd following him.

Why am I likening him to Helen Keller, the famous deaf and blind woman?

Easy. One of the side effects from Limbaugh’s years of drug addiction has been a near total loss of hearing. While he was busy calling potheads, “dirty, smelly, maggot-infested losers,” the OxyContin, Valium, Xanax, Lortab, and Percocet’s he was pounding eroded his hearing.

So where does the blindness come in? Again, easy. Now that the whole world knows he uses Viagra, which is not prescribed in his name to protect his privacy (that sorta backfired), no one should be shocked when he goes blind. One of the side effects of prolonged Viagra use is blindness.

Just like Helen Keller, in a matter of years Limbaugh could add blindness to his deafness. Now you’re probably thinking, “is he addicted to anything that will make him mute?” Only in a perfect world… to my knowledge, I am not aware of any current addictions that will make him mute.

After the fracas over his Viagra at the Palm Beach airport, the next day Limbaugh was on the air oozing with machismo as if the Viagra was part of his “conquest” in the Dominican Republic. Limbaugh’s arrogant jock attitude over his Viagra-fueled conquests may quickly fade if he ever reads up on the Dominican Republic’s rampant, out-of-control AIDS epidemic.

So, not only is Limbaugh deaf from his painkiller addiction, he’ll probably go blind from the Viagra, and he may contract the AIDS virus from his promiscuous conquests. What’s the moral of this story? I don’t know. I just like ragging on Rush Limbaugh.

Parents Disown Son For Not Being Gay

2006-06-21T13:08:00.000-07:00

Zulu, CA – Every parent has lofty aspirations for their children. Hedley and Conchita Wrigley had a rather unique desire for their son, Tad. The Global Stupidity Institute brings you this exclusive interview with Hedley and Conchita so they can tell you their story.

GSI: Tell us a little about your son Tad

Conchita: “Tad’s our only son. He was born the day Richard Nixon resigned office. I don’t remember what day that was, but that’s the day he was born. He really loves football and NASCAR. Do you need to know anything else about Tad?”

GSI: What kind of childhood did Tad have?

Conchita: “He had a great childhood. Hedley and I spoiled Tad rotten. When he was a toddler I put him in flowered dresses just like Oscar Wilde’s mom did. But Tad hated them! That made me mad because I spent good money on those dresses! They were from Laura Ashley!”

Hedley: “To balance things out, I would take Tad to football games. We did the normal father/son things like fishing, playing catch, and slipping him some beers when his mother wasn’t looking.”

GSI: When did you first notice a rift in your relationship with Tad?

Conchita: “Probably when he was 15. That’s when he started disobeying my orders to watch Broadway musicals on Friday and Saturday night. It got so bad, in fact, I had the doctor put him on Ritalin and I had to lock Tad in the closet with the TV just to get him to watch the Judy Garland tapes.”

Hedley: “When Tad was 16, he got a girlfriend. We couldn’t stand that little heifer! She wore so much makeup you thought the circus came to town.”

Conchita: “I can still see that girl in my nightmares! She messed up our whole plan!”

GSI: What do you mean by “plan?”

Conchita: “What do you think, you idiot! For Tad to be gay! I wanted a gay son. I raised Tad to be gay! The manicures, the pedicures, the flowery dresses, the Broadway shows, the interior decorating classes at the recreation center, the YMCA membership…”

Hedley: “We spent thousands giving him the best gay upbringing two loving parents could possibly give. He doesn’t even listen to show tunes! He listens to groups like Pharcyde, Beck, Deftones, and The Roots. It’s sick!”

Conchita: “I wanted him to bottle his own mango chutney and charmoula. Plus, I never wanted to be a grandmother, anyway.”

GSI: When did you disown your son?

Conchita: “The night before his wedding to ‘what’s-her-name?’ We knew all hope was lost. Tad would never be gay. We’d never have a son who had his own wine tasting show on Bravo. Tad would never be a fashion designer. He’d never create his own signature line of skin moisturizers. He would never open a billowy pillow store like we always wanted him to…”

Hedley: “Ah yes, the billowy pillow idea… thanks for the memories, Tad!”

Conchita: “His punishment for not being gay is getting cut off from the family. We changed our phone number and we’re using a PO Box as our address. We hung a sign over the door that says, ‘Gay Sons Only!’ We’re giving his entire inheritance to the Liberace Foundation and the William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library.”

GSI: Do you have a parting message for Tad? Maybe you would like to reconcile with him?

Conchita: “Yeah, I have something to say to Tad. I hope your son grows up to be straight! That’s it. The interview is over. I need a Gimlet.”

Global Stupidity Institute

2006-06-13T18:28:00.000-07:00

Global Stupidity Institute

Cheesesteak Cheeseball Crowned New Spokesmodel For Stupidity

2006-06-13T18:22:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while an “average Joe” gets his 15 minutes of fame for doing something newsworthy. This week’s “average Joe” is actually named Joe -- Joe Vento to be exact. Joe serves heart attacks, high cholesterol, and gut-busting calories in the form of a food called the Philly Cheesesteak. Seems a couple months Joe hung a sign in his shop that read:

“This Is America. When Ordering, Speak English”

Finally, the media found out about this and ran with the story. The Global Stupidity Institute was rather intrigued by this story, and after hearing Joe give several interviews, we were quite perplexed. The 66 year-old Vento was born and raised in Philly, which is technically still in America, but clearly, the man speaks with a smattering of some of the worst English that could possibly be uttered by a citizen of the United States.

“All we’s asking people to do is learn English,” said Vento in a news account last week. “We’re out to help them people, but they gots to help themselves. And when ya’s come to my restaurant, ya’s gotta order in English.”

Huh? What was that, Joe?

The GSI finds it rather curious that Joe Vento would hang such a sign when his own English is nearly unintelligible. Vento’s English is incomprehensible, inarticulate, and peppered with a dose of South Philly sleaze, yet he sees fit to demand his customers learn, know, and speak English.

Here’s an idea for you, Joe -- become a leader in your community! Learn the English language. Speak grammatically correct, not phonetically dysfunctional. You lead by learning how to communicate in proper English. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you...

The GSI wonders if Vento understands how utterly stupid it is for him to demand English when he can’t even speak English himself. We intended on inviting Vento to our roundtable discussion on the matter, but the GSI has a policy that roundtable discussions are for English-only speakers. Despite the English-only policy, Vento was still crowned the new Spokesmodel For Stupidity.

The GSI is also calling for a global ban on all travel to Philadelphia until the inhabitants of the city show a concerted effort to properly learn, speak, and communicate the English language.

Idiot of the Week -- The $580 Million Dollar Disaster

2006-06-08T18:40:00.000-07:00

About a year ago, Rupert Murdoch, the rich (and ugly) CEO of News Corp bought MySpace.com for $580,000,000. Shortly after Murdoch took control of MySpace, the man went on an all-out public relations media blitz. Every news outlet on the planet was talking about MySpace.

If you have a business, there’s nothing better than free publicity and word-of-mouth marketing… the PR campaign makes pretty good business sense, right?

Wrong.

Murdoch may have a knack for force-feeding Republican porridge (and making it taste good), but the man knows zero about teens. Maybe he’s just too old to remember? Maybe he looked at those millions of teens on MySpace with dollar signs in his eyes?

Murdoch doesn’t understand two very unique facets about teens -- they thrive on secrecy and individuality, and they are extremely capricious. The fuel that fed MySpace’s fire was teens. Why -- because their parents didn’t know about it -- the Abercrombie and Fitch’s in their high school didn’t know about it -- the cops didn’t know about it – their teachers didn’t know about it. MySpace was a cave community for kids. But now Wall Street has moved in to the neighborhood.

When Murdoch let the secret out, the kids started leaving en masse, along with the musicians and artists. When mom and dad “get it,” whatever “it” is, is no longer cool. I’m sure the blue-suits at Murdoch’s News Corp were thrilled with their PR campaign. They should be… they single-handedly turned what kids once thought was hip and cool place into a joke. MySpace has lost its appeal and is no longer a viable entity.

Best of luck trying to recover your $580 million Mr. Murdoch.

PS If Murdoch is wondering why the artists and musicians have left MySpace, all he need do is read this “gem” found in his MySpace User Policy:

“…you hereby grant to MySpace.com a non-exclusive, fully-paid and royalty-free, worldwide license (with the right to sublicense through unlimited levels of sub-licensees) to use, copy, modify, adapt, translate, publicly perform, publicly display, store, reproduce, transmit, and distribute such Content on and through the Services.”

Faith Healer Death Linked To Complications From Common Cold

2006-06-07T08:25:00.000-07:00

Pokey, AL -- Nestled between a tanning Salon and the dimly lit Happy Hookah Smoke Shop is Bishop Elman McGinnty Siloam’s faith healing center. A dilapidated strip mall in rural Alabama may seem an unlikely location for a “miracle-factory,” but locals tell us thousands have flocked to the dingy storefront with their hopes, dreams, and checkbooks.

Ten days ago the Bishop, who looks like a cross between Benny Hinn and Richard Simmons, was found dead by one of his wives. The Bishop left eight widows and twenty-four known children. The Bishop was a rather unique man. According to Bishop Elman’s website, he says, “I don’t call my wives by name, I call them by number. I married Wife #1 in 1958 so I could start breeding, and I married Wife #8 last year so she could take care of Wife #1 when she starts loosing her marbles.”

Wife #3, who discovered the slain faith healer says, “Elman was just slumped over in his throne. Elman really loved that throne, he just had it spray painted gold two weeks ago.” “He had a lot of snot running out of his nose when I found him,” says Wife #3.

According to county coroner Ricky T. Boates, the Bishop died from a cold medicine overdose. Coroner Boates reports, “The man had more Sudafed coursing through his veins than a meth-head. He drank more Robitussin than a depressed high school kid. Mr. McGinnty Siloam’s cold medicine cocktail proved too potent for his ailing heart. In my 18 years as county coroner, I’ve never seen anything quite like this.”

Adding insult to injury, the Bishop was issued an arrest warrant post-mortem. He was caught on surveillance camera stealing the cold medicine from a local pharmacy. Apparently he was too embarrassed to purchase the medicine at the counter. In the Bishop’s defense Wife #7 says, “Well, if you were a faith healer, would you want to get spotted buying cold medicine? It could have hurt business.” Elman’s wives have asked the pharmacy to act as if the stolen cold medicine was a donation to the ministry. Wife #6 says she will send the pharmacy a tax-deductible receipt.

Asked why the Bishop couldn’t heal his own cold, Wife #5 responded by saying, “Do you think it’s OK to start using my first name again?” Wife #2 responded to the question, “Elman did heal himself. If he hadn’t healed himself in his own special way, he’d still be here with us right now.”

Bishop Elman’s eldest son Vinton hopes to reopen the faith healing center next week. “We’re going to have a grand reopening bash at the faith healing center. At the reopening party I plan on wheeling dad in and brining him back to life. Following the revivification ceremony, there will be a potluck dinner,” says Vinton.

Editorial note:

After uncovering this story, GSI’s Genetic Research team will be exploring the existence of a stupidity gene. It’s quite possible stupidity could be hereditary.

Communist China Infiltrating America Through Fortune Cookies

2006-06-06T12:24:00.000-07:00

The following letter was sent to the world headquarters of The Global Stupidity Institute by Mr. Scott “Scooter” Ruggles from Wapakoneta, Ohio:

“Like most small-town Americans, I find satisfaction in the simple pleasures of life. One of those simple pleasures is cracking open a fortune cookie after a enjoying a plate of General Tso’s Chicken and a bowl of Bok Choy at our local Chinese Restaurant -- Chairman Mao’s China Bistro. Within the last few months, I’ve been shocked and horrified to discover an alarming trend with the fortune cookies.

It seems the fortunes have been replaced with Eastern religious philosophy and the lotto numbers have been replaced with exhortations to learn Chinese! This is clearly a sign that the Communist Chinese are trying to infiltrate America with their unholy doctrine, and they are using advanced Chinese mind-control techniques to force us to learn their language.

And why must we learn their language? Because they are secretly plotting to invade America and enslave us! Chinese restaurants are “plants” by the Chinese government… sorta like happy little terrorist cells, but without the bombs and kidnappings. Their wicked plan is to get to our hearts through our stomachs.

How can our government stand idly by while the Communist Chinese are single-handedly brainwashing Americans through the fortune cookie? We must band together, start our own American fortune cookie companies, export these Capitalist fortune cookies to China, get these fortune cookies into restaurants in China, and beat them at their own game! Can I count on the GSI to support our resistance movement?”

Thank you Scooter for your letter and concern. The Global Stupidity Institute has researched the fortune cookie situation and prepared an official five-fold response:

1. You’re an idiot
2. This is one of the stupidest letters the GSI has ever received -- congratulations
3. If you’re that concerned, stop eating Chinese food and reading fortune cookies
4. Seek professional help (Lithium is a wonderful prescription drug)
5. Don't ever send the GSI a letter again

Illegal Mexican Aliens Mistakenly Deported To America

2006-06-06T08:30:00.000-07:00

Atlanta, GA -- On the illegal immigration front, The Global Stupidity Institute brings you the story of Carlos Javier Domingo and Orofino Alvarez.

As the public debate and political rhetoric over illegal immigration reached a boiling point, Domingo and Alvarez, illegal aliens residing in Atlanta were “supernaturally assaulted” with a sense of conviction. Alvarez claims the Virgin of Guadalupe, Mexico’s patron saint came to him in a dream and commanded him to return to Mexico. The two men devised a plan to sneak back across the border, return to their native Mexico, and forgo their status as illegal aliens.

Domingo, made ends meet as a dishwasher at the Moody Chalupa in Marietta, while Alvarez worked for The Weed Connection, a small landscape firm in Acworth. The two men shared a three bedroom home in Marietta with 28 other illegals.

“The Virgin of Guadalupe came to me in a dream and told me to return to Mexico at once,” says Alvarez. Alvarez went on to say, “In my dream Santa Guadalupe beat me like a $2.00 piñata, and when I woke, I had a headache. This was a sign that I must return to Mexico.”

Armed with nothing more than pocket money, their fake Georgia driver’s licenses obtained from a Buford Highway bodega, and the clothes on their back, seven days later the men found themselves in El Paso, Texas.

“We could smell Mexico from El Paso. We knew we were close,” says Domingo. In broad daylight Domingo and Alvarez walked right past U.S. border guards and into Mexico. U.S. border agent Timmy Turnbuckle says, “We observed the two Mexican subjects cross the U.S. border into Mexico. That kinda through us for a loop. The traffic is usually going the other direction.”

Within 15 minutes of crossing the border, Domingo and Alvarez were in the custody of Mexican authorities. The only identification the men had were their fake Georgia driver’s licenses, which led the Mexican authorities to believe they were illegal American immigrants. “We told the police Captain the ID’s were fake, but he did not believe us,” said Domingo. Three days later Alvarez and Domingo were standing before a Mexican judge at a deportation hearing.

In a strange twist of fate, Alvarez and Domingo were found guilty of illegally crossing the Mexican boarder and were deported back to America. “They put us on a bus, drove us across the border, opened the door, and pushed us out. The bus driver told us never to return to Mexico, for they do not tolerate illegal aliens like they do in America,” says Alvarez.

Alvarez and Domingo have returned to Atlanta both saddened and bitter. “I will not cheer for Mexico at the World Cup I hope their plane crashes on the way home,” snapped Alvarez. Domingo was equally full of angst, “In protest for these atrocities, I am boycotting Corona, Paco’s Check Cashing, and Taco Bell,” added Domingo.

Editors note:

"What can we say, this is another clear cut case of global stupidity... who would have ever thought illegal Mexican aliens could actually be deported to America?"